Original Text:

General Education is the core of an undergraduate education. It is general in that it provides students with a comprehensive educational experience and prepares them for study within their major. General Education teaches students to think critically and communicate effectively; it provides an introduction to the methodologies and practices of the academic disciplines; it promotes intellectual curiosity and a love of learning.

Revised text:

General Education studies are the foundation upon which a student builds skills which prepares them to pursue a final degree of their choosing.  Although at times it appears a repetitive process, general studies promote critical thinking and communication skills.  General Education studies develop and enhance all academic disciplines by stimulating student's intellectual curiosity thus facilitating a love of learning. 

I decided to fix this sentence because although it was somewhat clear, I felt I could make it more appealing to the population reading it.  Using Williams book I tried to make the topic sentence of the paragraph clear and used the following sentences to support that sentence.  I followed the advice from Williams book found on page 67, "If you start a sentence well, the end will almost take care of itself." I attempted to make each sentence flow into the previous one and tie it up at the end.  

I found this difficult as I tried to specifically find the points that Williams pointed out.  But I think I followed them more generally and more specifically benefited about sentence structure and paragraph building.